Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Christmas Blues

It's old (as they say at AoSHQ), but it's one of the first things that made me LOL via email, and it still cracks me up.

How To Sing The Blues

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman," is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line: "I got a good woman -with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."

4 The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch: You stuck in a ditch, ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUV's. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cuz you skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old man, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely in a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make yer own Blues name (starter kit):

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.

20. I don't care how tragic your life; you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues. You best destroy it. Use fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sit on it. I don't care.

Apparently there are no prohibitions against being a cookie:

The real deal: Merry Christmas, Baby -- Charles Brown.

LATER: Here's a guy I've always liked -- Leon Russell -- It Takes A Lot To Laugh, It Takes A Train To Cry (1971)


S. Weasel said...

Heya, Felix! I intended to send happy Christmas wishes to your email, but realized your address is on my desktop machine...which is probably on a container ship somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic this night (and just between me and thee, if it went down with all a weasel's worldly possessions, it wouldn't break my heart at this point).

Anyhow, Uncle B and I wish you the very best this Christmas, and a new year that doesn't...errr...suck any more than it absolutely has to. You know?

(p.s. Like the new template. Squeak if you want any graphics. I could never quite work out Blogger's blog structure, but I know a certain weasel who is going to be unemployed until, like, April).

Merry Christmas!

john said...

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year Felix! Maddie and Ivy hope all is well with you and yours. Great Blues post! Love the cookie blues. Found this on the ever-amazing youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHr7xGvDBmY&feature=channel_page

Lonnie Mack (the writer of the cookie blue) and SRV (playing some mean slide). Hope you enjoy it.

We're working to find a little lampshade for Ivy. We want to give the customers what they ask for!