Read It ...

and weep (with laughter): Iowahawk does Homer (this one, not this one).

Book the Eighth: The Contest of November

"Who dares challenge me now?" asked Obamacles. "For I am Obamacles,
vanquisher of Hildusa, of whom all of Demos sing;
Make him the mightiest, so that I might find him worthy."

"Your foe will be the grizzled warrior Crustius," said the Doritos,
As Obamacles laughed in disbelief; for though brave Crustius
had once proved great valor in the tragic war of Namos,
He had grown old and addled sailing the Sea of Maverikus.
In years a full score he sailed, seeking the fabled Microphone of Media,
Only to crash on its shoals, lured to doom by the flattery of the Sirens.

"Be not hasty in thy hubris, Obamacles," warned the Doritos.
"Although he is old and stranded and beset by mutineers,
grizzled Crustius is far craftier than in your imaginings."

True to the prophesy of the Doritos, wily Crustius had a secret trick up his toga.
From his rock-strewn shipwreck he summoned Palina, huntress of Wasilla,
Whose fertile loins had many odd-named children bore,
Bristol and Trig, Dakota and Algebra, Calculus and Physed,
And yet she retained the visage and figure of a goddess.

Palina emerged from the sea, springing fully formed from a clamshell,
Brandishing the spear that had slain a thousand antlered beasts.
Once mutinous, the Crustonauts were instantly heartened,
For now they and sensed a chance at victory.

Although his pollsters warned of danger, Obamacles was stalwart
For he knew just how he got here. "Attack," he beckoned very calmly,
And from across the land of Soros, a thousand score of demons answered;
HuffPo nutjobs, New York Kronos, the shrieking hags of talk TV,
Couric, Fey, Oprah, Behar, the hermaphrodites of NBC.

Palina was undaunted by the minions and thus she battled gamely on.
But at last she was attacked by Crustius himself;
For so addled and contrary was the wizened sailor
That he had forgotten which side he was on.
Vanquished Palina returned to Wasilla to fight another day,
While Crustius sails again, forever seeking the elusive Sirens of Media.